twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
