hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
