we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
