I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
