What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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