Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
