Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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