that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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