Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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