Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
