highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
