My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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