Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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