Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
