I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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