all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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