no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
