i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
