not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize