I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
