I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
operation harelip BJ is a go
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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