you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
