i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
