I just cut my nipple shaving
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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