it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like a drive thru vagina
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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