You made me cry and you don't even care
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
