Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
