mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
