i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
