a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
