3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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