it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
