when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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