Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
