she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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