I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
