Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
