my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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