Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize