Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
