Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
