I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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