i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
