i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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