you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
