don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
