After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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