I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dignity is for republicans.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
