Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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