I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize