I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
