You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How does one acquire holy water?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize