i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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