somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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