I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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