Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
