My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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