i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize