hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize