it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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