I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
